and there it goes...

well...that's it for my car...i guess i'll be walkin from now on....it sucks that "family" is supposed to be there for you in ur time of need, but when that time comes....no one's around...i guess i'm on my own...

now time for a breather...

there is so much going on right now...summer camp is in full swing...so i've been working full time at the camp and at alltel...speaking of alltel we're in the middle of a merger with verizon...so that means on top of working at the store there is also training that we have to go to...oh and did i mention that i'm not a step-mommy?? that's right, after testing 4 guys and having more lined up ready to go, miss jennifer found the father of her baby...and it just so happened to be Seth.... which turned out to not be that bad of a deal...i mean after I've had 2 miscarriages in the past year it's lookin like we may never have children of our own...but now Seth gets to be a daddy...and i get to play mommy but send the kid home when i'm sick of him...plus no gaining weight or labor pains!!!! how great is that??? i barely have time to myself right now...i work more than i sleep and i rarely get to see anyone outside of work...i have a new phone number too...(903)26-3310 ur probably better off texting me cuz i never get a chance to talk on the phone anymore...sorry there's not much more to share but i'm sure i'll have tons of storys from camp later for you...

What about ME???

So, after 23 long years, I'm very used to not standing out. I've never gotten alot of attention from anyone. Not friends, teachers, or even family. I'm also very used to never getting what I want or sometimes even deserve outta life. But there comes a point in everyone's life that they get fed up. Appearently I'm the only one who cares about my wedding (aside from Seth). No one wants to help out with the planning, or even help pay for it. I know that the Bride's father is supposed to pay for most of it, but HELLO, I don't have a father. I've gotten to the point where I don't even want to get married anymore. I'm so frusterated with everything and everyone. I know that I'm not anyone's favorite person, but it would be nice if someone remember that I existed once in a while....

searching for help!!

I try not to complain too much about my life. But sometimes it gets the best of me. My tag has been expired for 5 months now. I can't get it registared in Texas becuase my mother never got a clean title for it once it was paid off. Now I have a title with a bank that isn't even around anymore. I could still renew it in Kansas if I had the money. But lucky me, my other half is still sick, (disablity turned him down) and I can barely pay rent and utilities. Forget about having money for food or gas. I am super stressed out, and don't know what else to do...So I'm giving up...whatever happens, happens...
OH and on top of all of this, I can't get a grant for school because of a loan I took out to pay for the last school...I never got a letter saying "hey, pay us". so it's been defaulted and I can't get anyone at that school to call me back...

A new awakening...

I LOVE to read...I am interested in what others have to say about everything in life. I'm currently ready a book by a man named Leslie Weatherhead called "The Christian Agnostic".
As everyone knows, I've struggled with my beliefs every since I noticed how judgmental my church family was. I made a promise to myself at the age of 17 to no longer follow a religion where it's people were just so hateful toward everyone. It took many years for me to come to understand how I feel about the "higher power". I was agnostic for a few years, but discovered a whole new love for life when I became a Buddhist.
All the same values of being christian, without all the contractions. I am completely a new person. I live life to be a good person. I do what I want, when I want, and how I want to do it. There's no one judging me because it's not "the christian way". I AM A GOOD PERSON. And I don't have to believe in a story of a normal man written by people who were not there, to be that way.
I guess the real reason I'm putting this out there is because of the fact that, yes, I do work for a christian camp. And in between meals I was reading my book, and had to defend myself and my beliefs against judgmental christian's. And honestly, it gets old. I've done the research. I was a religion major in college, and learned about every religion. I based my decision to become a Buddhist on years of research and going to different churches and talking to different clergy.
I'm sick of being told I'm wrong or that I'm going to "hell" for denying christianity. I see no harm in the way I'm living my life. My husband supports me and so does my mother. And as far of the rest of you...Karma is a bitch....

Happy Easter Ya'll!!

I miss being single...

I'm tired of fighting...I want my own space...Boys are so stupid...

I miss my bed...

I've had a horrible time trying to sleep the past couple of weeks...It seems like no matter what I do I still wake up a million times...And now thanks to that I have a headache from hell and I can barely keep my eyes open...oh yea, and I'm hungry with no food in the house...

Somethings coming....

I can feel it...i'm not sure yet on all the details, but something big is about to happen...everything around me is noticing the change...even the rain is talking about it...could be a conflict but it's still to early to tell...i'm not going to be able to focus until it happens....

Obsession....

It's a funny thing...I'm not sure why but lately I've been obsessing over this whole DNA test...The more I think about it, the more nervous I get. I know that I should trust Seth's word as the truth, but what guy wouldn't deny getting he's ex girlfriend pregnant now that he's happy in another relationship?! I sat down with my friend Kayla and we did the math, it adds up. Regardless of the fact that yes Jennifer slept with other guys, Seth slept with her when she got pregnant. And now I can't get it out of my mind.

I don't care that he slept with her. I care that, after all I've been through with trying to have a baby of my own, now we have a chance to have a real family. If it turns out to be Seth's child then I will have a chance to have a son of my own. And that, I guess, is what is at the core of my obsession.....

still sick...

It's Wednesday, and I'm still sick...not getting any better...worse actually...now whatever I have has moved down to my stomach....and on top of being sick and having to go to work, our hours got cut again....i just wanna go back to bed...

Yuckiness

I had the worst weekend ever...It started off by my campers trying to kill me...Okay, well it's not totally they're fault, they didn't know I was allergic to almonds. But really, who puts almonds in peanutbutter balls?! I ate like 6 of them before I even notice that there was almonds in them...Imagine my surprise! I quickly took 2 benadryls so I wouldn't die right there in the camp kitchen, and my mother in law took me home so I wouldn't pass out while cooking..And since then I've been running a fever, my throat has been swollen, my sinuses have been going crazy and I've been extremely weak...Yesterday I went from the bed to the couch and thats all I did all day...Today I had to try to be human and drag myself to work, which is turning out to be the worst possible thing I could have done...I feel worse now than I have all weekend...I made myself a Doctors appointment for tomorrow that I can't pay for but I'm going to try to find a way to go anyways. Ugh...I'm miserable....

I'm so sick of the rain...

Sure it's pretty to watch. I love watching rain hitting a puddle and all the circles. But it hasn't stopped raining in 3 days...Literally!! I'm starting to have flashbacks from the flood a couple years ago...I can't handle going through that again...And, OH how we've been slow today! I'm having more fun watching Texans lose control of their cars than anything. (Texas folk don't slow down for the change in the weather.)

Is this a good idea?

Okay, so everyone knows the problems we've been having with money. Today our friends Max and Melissa (a young married couple) told Seth and I about the problems they're having with Jenny (the roommate). They have completely had enough of her and decided to evict her. Seth and I are very close to them and Seth babysits Isaac (their son) on a regular basis. We all talked about the possibility of us moving in and splitting the bills (which would save us about $200 a month). Now, we've had some problems with them in the past. Well not so much with Melissa, mostly just Max (when Seth gets around him he forgets that he has to be a responsible adult). Both of the boys have gotten the hint that they need to be grown ups, and have doing alot better. This whole situation seems to be an answer from above. I'm really worried that it may be too good to be true...I really need an outsiders opinion...Should we move to make things easier and less stressful on me? Or should we stay and make this work, even though it's putting alot of strain on our relationship?

i hate the rain...

i've noticed that the only reason why i haven't quit my job is that i have to take care of seth...and he's the only one who hasn't realised that yet...he's also the only one that hasn't noticed that all the little things he does that pisses me off is what's going to end our relationship...it did only take one straw to break the camels back...

Just another day...

I'm so terribly bored...sometimes I wish I had a more exciting job...All I do is sit around and look out the window and think about how i'm wasting my youth...I wanna be in school doing something constructive with my life right now...
I'm looking forward to my next day off, although I have no clue when that will be...I can't even look forward to the weekends because I work Saturday and Sunday...I miss not having to work...

say what?!

So, I called the electricty company to give them the receipt number from paying my bill this morning and got a huge surprise...I guess the lady who took my payment entered it wrong...It shows that I paid $600 instead of only $200, and that the electric company owes me over $100 for over paying. The lady in the billing department was very nice and said that unless the payment center notices their mistake the balance stays the way it is...Now, being the honest person that I am, I would USALLY go back over there and let them know about the mistake. BUT!...the lady that took my payment was very rude about the fact that they don't take debit cards, so I had to go find an ATM and come back with the cash to make the payment...and since they only deal in cash and my receipt shows that I paid only $200 I don't think I'm going to correct them...If they find out and fix the error thats fine, but if not oh well and i'm finally ahead for once...

ugh...

another day passes, more bills pile up. i see my plans for the future getting farther and farther away. one day i'll break free and go my own way. one day, i'll keep the promises i made to myself. one day....